Is There Life on Mars?
Last year I read a rather battered version of John Gray’s “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”.
It landed in my lap at a time that couldn’t have been more significant. My husband and I had had a lengthy and somewhat heated argument over maps and the directions on how to get to the lovely Ligurian Coast in Italy, from Milan. The actual argument lasted three days and the ongoing repercussions; three – six months, roughly!
The significant learning point is that we (men and women) do speak very different languages. What I say, and my husband hears, can be often miles apart. A bit like where we ended up and where we should have been!
On this occasion I thought I was asking him to stop and look at the map with me, to determine where we were, and to work out how to programme the Satellite Navigation System (the technophobe that I am).
What he heard was he had taken the wrong route and added an hour to our journey; that I didn’t trust him to take the right route later on. He heard that I was unhappy with him and therefore no longer loved him.
His subsequent response was that we were going in the right direction now and that there was no need to stop and check the map. Of course what I heard was; what are you so upset for? You are being irrational. I know I am right and you are wrong so stop causing these arguments as I no longer love you.
I have, over the last six months, put some things that I learnt from this book into practice, with some reasonable results. However, there is no way I would ever be able to get my husband to read it, let alone adopt any of the communication tips that might motivate or encourage me, a woman.
Thankfully, it would appear that if only one person makes a change to the words that they use, there is still a knock on effect. If one person feels acknowledged and appreciated it makes them more likely to acknowledge and appreciate the other.
My questions for today are:
• Are there any men that have read this book? If you did; what positive (or negative) affirmations have you had?
• How many women have read this book without passing it on to their man, like me and if so why?
• How many of either sex can’t be bothered either way?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueUOTImKp0k
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May 15th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
I have to confess, I bought this book years ago, when I was, briefly a RELATE counsellor in Brighton. But I couldn’t get past a fundamental objection, plus in those days, I didn’t read as much as I do now.
My fundamental objection is that I just don’t believe men and women are fundamentally different. I think some men differ from some women in the way they communicate. But then some men are different from some men.
Where there are statistically verifiable differences in communication processes in certain defined populations, I am convinced these will always be purely social and cultural rather than anything to do with some natural predisposition. Scientific studies in this area may suggest that there are biological or neurological differences, but which came first, the biological difference or the cultural difference which had a knock on effect neurologically. unless they are genuinely cross cultural, i would view any such studies with suspicion.
I think(and bear in mind I haven’t read it!) this book runs the risk of reinforcing the notion that problems of communication are programmed into the opposing sexes, and that this in turn risks people abdicating responsibility or misattributing their differences to somethng which does not actualy exist.
I think the alternative (apart from me actually reading the book, if I can find it) is to experiment with different ways of communicating with each separate human being until we find the way that works. i have had to learn the hard way that this is the only way to communicate with children. The only problems I have in communicating with people (from my perspective - you may think differently of course!) is easily traced back to my own family of origin in which I have three sisters, a dominant mother and an introverted father. Consequently, I often feel more at ease with women and, surprise, surpirse, seem to be able to communicate more easily with women (although in a fratenrnal sense more than any other…more was the pity before I was married).
I will have another go and then post a complete retraction if i change my mind. I never read maps if my wife is oin the car. She is easily the best map reader I have ever met.
May 16th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
I believe the majority of what you are suggesting relates to the nuture, nature debate and a bit later on in the book, Gray does go on to say that you are likely to replicate the communication style that your parents used as you grew up. This concurs with what you are saying?
If you do decide to pick the book up again skip the first seven chapters. Chapter eight where my interest got fired up. Here Gray says that there are 12 primary love needs of men and women. Men and women require all 12 kinds of love but in different proportions. Whilst I couldn’t determine these for myself so much - I could see them in my husband.
Women’s top 6 tend to be:
Caring
Understanding
Respect
Devotion
Validation
Reassurance
Men’s top 6 tend to be:
Trust
Acceptance
Appreciation
Admiration
Approval
Encouragement
Having said that - in the example I gave above; what I felt was that he didn’t care that I wanted to stop, he seemed to have no understanding of the reason why, he did not respect my wishes. I wanted to be sure I was on the right road and be reassured. I really wasn’t looking for any of the descriptives from the men’s list.
I think the whole men and women communication process works in the workplace too. It is about pressing the right button. And sure there will always be those who don’t fit the profile just as there are those who don’t fit neatly and exactly into Risners “It’s a zoo around here!”
http://www.nigelrisner.com/product.php?productid=16133&cat=249&page=1
So the questions still stand.
PS I think I would be better if maps were made round.
May 18th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Great tip about missing out the first 7 chapters - could you give that sort of tip for all the book blogs please? My recollective (is that a word?) thoughts about ‘Men are from… ‘ is that it is one of the most boring books I ever read. The one idea seemed repeated over and over. Perhaps rereading it would be good!
By the way I got hold of ‘it’s a zoo around here’ - interesting. I’d like a sequel, to explain who gets on with who. I seem to make easy relationships with Monkeys and Lions. Is that because I’m Dolphin/Elephant? My family is very Dophin/Elephant, with some Lion; we could definitely do with more Monkey traits!